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♥
nur atikah.
16, 011193.
i have too many words in my head to form normal sentences.

4E3 Canoeing Asyraf Nurul Alif Aliya Amira AmiraJunior Farah FarahLiyana Faris Fazilah Ferdaus Genevieve Hidayu Masnita Nadiah Nazri Sarah SheauJing YuanTing Zihan
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Tuesday, November 25, 2008
a tune not worth fretting over.

okay. since nad said this in her tag, atikks ! after 2 weeks without update , this is all you came out for .', i shall post about something long.

eventhough everyone is talking happily, you could tell that everyone felt the lost.
the way his laugh just echoes in your head and the image of him lying there on the bed. all motionless. i couldn't even go up to him to see his face up close.
honestly, i wanted the memory of his smiling face to be the last thing i remember of his face. i am kicking myself in the head for not feeling the sadness that everyone felt during hari raya.
i feel like i should've told ayah that i wanted to follow him that night. i left on tuesday thinking that everyone was foolish in crying excessively. thinking that i would be able to see him the next day, all well.
at that moment, i was only thinking of myself i swear. and i regret doing that. not even being sincere when kissing his hand for the very last time. i know there's no use living in the past.
but i knew i could've been more of a good granddaughter to him. made more use of that tuesday. all of it are regrets that i can't erase. i don't think much of him anymore.
but during the times that i do, i feel the sadness that they had felt on hari raya. like during the time i opened sunday classifieds and i saw people wishing a happy grandparents day to their grandparents.
and when i was walking past interchange and i saw an old man in a wheelchair. and all i could remember was him during my cousin's engagement. i just hate it when i go to grandma's house, and i just remember him struggling to breathe even with the machine helping.
and him lying there with me just hoping he would laugh for the last time so that i would have that as a last reminder instead. yet what i remember of him is the 20 over cousins around him crying.
with nothing to stop them. without him laughing to brighten us up. no more him sitting in the chair every year, asking how you've been and smiling his smile. that's why i don't like sitting in the living room there anymore. maybe it's just me. i know it's no use thinking about it. but everyone knows it's something you don't just forget about.

it's gonna be a month soon. yet all i think is i want him back.